Red River …You know it’s for you. It’s for you I started writing, and it’s for you I have attempted in the past and continue to do it even now to write. And yes, today, after all these days I read your comment about life’s is to live and not pedal. And that was way back in November, 2007!
Well, I’ve lived in between. Pedaled may be at times, but pedaled because I wanted to live.
And before I go ahead, let me tell you even though I had been planning to get back to writing – what prompted me is your post on Father’s Day. No, that can’t be true. Your magic still works on me. I receive an email from you, and the bounce returns to my steps. I may not write back to you. But I live for the next few days. May be I don’t give you the pleasure of knowing that your magic worked. But yes, I live for the next few days. And hence it hurt to see you hurt.
Hmm…how life has changed in between? For one, I’ve become paranoid. Well, what else can you expect after you see a young cousin living with you in the same house become a mass of decaying flesh? Not too much a bright picture there. I end up thinking about those who are dear to me – without whom my life’s well n-o-t-h-i-ng. (Can you ever imagine such a picture, Red River? Its scary!)And to add to that my friend suggested me to read Rhonda Bryne’s secret. And now I dread my thoughts. I got this feeling that I control their lives, the outcomes in their lives –and the thought made me paranoid! A complete freak. I became obsessed with praying, in forced positive thinking….and a helpless state of nervousness. And it doesn’t help when the thoughts conceived in a human mind tends towards the negative zone.
When you can visualize smelling the daffodils, you only end up imagining a rowdy taxi driver executing his evil plans – the same driver who was supposed to drive you to the daffodil field.
It’s a scary world – a father murders a young girl (somehow such crimes don’t freak me!), a boyfriend rapes the trusting girl alonghis gang of friends, brutal accidents, bomb blasts….life was never a certainty, but now more so and with more vengeance, more blood, more pain. I value life. Can’t anyone grant me a calm, peaceful life?
I’m not even talking of murders of the other kind…mental killing ; killing the individuality, the spirit. I’m not even going there. I’m talking of basics here – the ability to breathe air everyday, the ability to move the vocal chords and respond, the ability to move the limbs around and just be there! It is not much - I’m not asking for the moon.
Now you know – Red River, I’ve got frayed nerves. But I’m getting better.
The good news is I discovered crayons and colors, movies and comics, books and craftwork……..to become normal again, to live and not pedal.
Love you – Red River. How will I do without you!
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Total silence, no response to many emails, no whereabouts – you are certainly like a comet - aloof and lost in its own oblong orbit. You appear in my orbit after a long hiatus only to create a wave in my orbit. I sense distress signal in your path. You say, “How will you do without me”. Yet I am helpless if you do not tell me how I may help you. You must try to forget the past, live on the present, and build a future with what you have. Your cryptic message scares me too. Frayed nerves, paranoia, taxi driver executing evil plan instead of taking you to a field of daffodils – I am at a loss. You must learn to replace such thoughts with more lively vocabulary. I know you are capable of doing it. Enjoy your work, have children, be a loving mom, use crayons, paint a picture of a morning sun. Life is not only about what I did not get; it’s also about what I made with what I got. If it helps any and if I truly have that magic for you, please write often, open your heart and thoughts, and call if you wish. I have no magic solution, but perhaps I can share my experience as I traveled through life for the last six decades
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